Im at strip club and am horny
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
