make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
