tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
