I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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