After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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