ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
