So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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