Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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