Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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