Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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