remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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