I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
