Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
