Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It's shark week go big or go home
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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