We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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