I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
