The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
