i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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