She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
