my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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