having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
