I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
