Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
