worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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