I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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