I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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