just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
