I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
