found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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