Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
