This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
