I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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