I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
