I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
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