okay pat passed out under dana's car
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
