Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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