Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Randomize
