I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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