I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
