Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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