oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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