my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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