Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
