I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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