It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
