You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
