i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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