I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
