Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
