Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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