Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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